Have you ever dreamt of being adrift in the ocean alone? Each time you think it’s safe to come up for air another wave crashes down on you and you feel like there’s no escape, like you’re drowning?
Figuratively, this was my life for the last few months. I’m only just now feeling like I can really talk about it, it was so intense.
I’d like to get vulnerable with you here so I can share how I actually ASKED for this maelstrom, how I weathered the storm, and how it’s made me stronger and clearer in my truth.
For 3 months, I went down into the trenches; into the deepest, darkest parts of myself to shine a flashlight and I never could have imagined what I uncovered.
I believe that we are all here to deliver a unique message to the world and I invoked the universe to assist me in clearing out whatever was holding me back and allow me to be a clearer channel for my own message that I’m meant to share.
Well, damned if it didn’t work.
Within just a few hours of evoking it, the first of many, many challenges kicked down my door and I was in so much emotional pain and suffering I was literally in the fetal position sobbing.
It felt like I’d been hit in the stomach and had the spiritual wind knocked out of me. And this was just the beginning, just the first day of me invoking this!
I went through 3 months of being plummeted into this dark night of the soul. It just kept coming, but all with the lessons that I was ready to learn at the time.
The lowest point of this dark winter season was me having a memory resurface from when I was 5 years old and, until that point, I’d had zero recollection of it.
Let’s just say it had to do with the creepy neighbor that everyone thought was just a sweet grandpa-type not letting me out of his house and then pinning me to his bed… I had all the signs of this kind of trauma in my life and through the years I had dozens of different people try to identify what had happened. I had coaches, therapist, and even shamans try to take me back to this memory.
But it wasn’t time then for me to be able to remember this event because I was still learning from all the limiting beliefs and the unconscious patterns that situation had created.
When I was knocking at this guy’s door, EVERYTHING in me was telling me not to go into his house, but I didn’t listen to that voice and went in anyway. In that moment I formed a limiting belief and story that I couldn’t trust myself, and a half dozen other limiting beliefs formed once I got inside, and they’ve been unwinding my whole life.
If you’ve taken any of my Feminine Art of Manifesting courses or my High Priestess Training, you know that I really believe that us clearing anything that’s been unresolved from the past, bringing to completion these heartbreaks and betrayals of our life, is one the most important ways to step into your life as a High Priestess and become a magnet to manifest and attract everything you desire to draw to you.
I was conscious of and thankful for this process as hard and difficult as it was. I knew that this was all a necessary part of the progression and that at some point it would end and I would be better on the other side of this but, ugh, that sure as hell didn’t make it any easier in the moment. Hey, I guess if we had all the answers instantly it would be like cheating at a game of solitaire, right?
Luckily, I had several beautiful angels that came into my life to assist me during my recent time of discovery and I’m so grateful for them helping me through this.
At the time that I invoked going to the next level I knew something good was going to come but I had no idea it would be this! Here I am at the other end of those 3 months, in the spring season of my life and I can’t believe the things that are budding as a result of this.
The projects and things I’ve been working on are seamlessly falling into place right now. The TV show is magically unfolding, and the women that are meant to be featured with me on this show are stepping forth and stepping up.
My husband, daughter and I are moving down to San Diego (which has been a dream of mine for a while) into my dream home. It has an orchard of avocado and fruit trees, room for chickens, a vegetable garden and an acre and a half for Violet to run and play. This will be a place where we can create a hub for family and friends to practice awakened living, share ritual, create, and authentically live from the heart.
There were many, many things that were uncovered for me during this time of growth and I’ve been unwinding these patterns in this beautiful practice that I’ve been in, learning even deeper this process of what is really holding us back from shining our light, of being the presence that we’re meant to be in this world, of really stepping out into the light and allowing ourselves to be seen.
It takes courage to do this and there are those of us that are on this path, doing this work and shining the light in the deepest darkest part of ourselves because we want to evolve, we need to go to the next level, and we know that this is the path to awakened living.
I know for myself I’ve spent most of my life hiding, sleepwalking, and disassociating from parts of myself because it was too painful.
I’m not in hiding anymore.
This is me stepping out into the light.
In love and service,